Have you ever felt lost and thought to yourself…
“Where is that girl?”
“Where has she gone?”
You don’t know what makes you tick anymore, you don’t feel a passion towards anything, you lack all zest and lust for life, the flirtation with yourself has gone, the desire to embrace things has left… This was me in 2019, a year that threw some unimaginable hard challenges my way, a year I asked myself “who am I now?”.
At the start of 2019 my Dad, who was my absolute best friend, passed away after a 3-year journey with cancer. I had just given birth to my second son Gabriel, and my eldest son Leo had just turned 3. My Dad was so much to so many. He held the most immense love for life, he noticed every single gift that surrounded him, he adored the world and people, life suited him – even during his cancer journey. So, when that was taken away all who knew him were left with a huge gaping hole in their lives. A void I hadn’t even had time to prepare for, a whole part of me torn away.
During this year I didn’t only lose my Dad, I lost myself too. I felt no power, the warrior within me had crumbled to pain. I started to notice how much of that strong, empowered female had fallen away under the force of my traumas. Using tools taught to me by my parents I spent months tracking my feelings, working inside the triggers and releasing what needed to be free. I had some real dark shadows within, and I believe I will always hold many other shadows, but working on myself as a constant commitment and embodying every ounce of female power I possess is helping to turn what happened to me into the reason why I stand so strong today.
Like both my parents I have always been fascinated by the power of the universe, by spirit and by our own immense fire within. After losing my Dad, I spent most of 2019 trying to bring myself back to that, to find my own flame inside again. To become the best version of me again within my grief, to be the best mother I could be within my struggles and the most empowered woman I could be within my shadows. My connection to spirit became stronger, I guess having my Dad in spirit made it much easier to embrace the other realm and work alongside it aligned as one. I started to see the magic of life unfolding before me, I started to notice those gifts that surrounded me, I started to remember who that girl was before the pain stripped me bare, I felt my fire, I found my warrior, I found her, I saved her.
Grief is a part of my life, it is imprinted on my heart and that will never change. But with that I have a choice, do I stay where I was in 2019, consumed, lost, or do I choose to move?
We all have a choice; to stay or to move, to stay stuck in the box that grief placed us in or to breath fire into every ounce of pain and break free. You can live a magical life with your shadows, with the traumas, you deserve that, that is your right. The woman who has been lost in her devastating pain is still there, you just need to find her within and bring her home.
So now, place your hand on your heart and ask yourself this…are you ready to move?